久别重逢

       自从大学毕业飘洋过海去上学，和弟弟已经二十年没有好好在一起了。好几年才能回一次家，每次回家只有匆匆几天，他也还要上学上班。这么多年来，我们两个都辗转学校工作，变换居住的城市，结婚生子，等孩子长大 ...... 等一切终于安定下来，转眼小外甥女都要上学了，弟弟全家终于决定趁孩子上学之前到加州来玩儿一趟。两周的时间，不长，但我们终于可以朝夕相处，真真是二十年来奢侈之最。

        这也是弟弟在他10岁离开美国之后，第一次重新回来。虽然不是同一个城市，同一个州，但是熟悉的美式语调、相似的街景、久违的食物味道，记忆深处的曲调，都一一勾起往日的情怀。

        为了他来，计划了周围的几个 trip。旧金山金门大桥、斯坦福大学、金门公园、Pier 39 渔人码头、Napa 酒庄（William Hill Estate Winery）、Lake Tahoe Emerald Bay、Homewoods 滑雪场、Monterey、Carmel、17-mile Drive、Big Sur。一起在家做饭、看 NBA比赛、捡复活节彩蛋、飞drome、去 BassPro、还去了 N 趟 Outlet、Marshalls、Costco  买东西...... 时间是真的不够用，还有好多想去没来得及去的地方、想做却没来得及做的事、想煮没来得及煮的饭 … 也好，留下念想，是以后再聚的动力。

在家的早饭：皮蛋瘦肉粥 、小笼包 、葱油饼 、crab cake、bacon cheese wheel

午饭：打卤面 、lasagna 、In and Out、Panera、Costco pizza 

晚饭：salmon sushi + 香煎三文鱼 + 芦笋 + misu 汤、火锅、T-bone 牛排 + 烤蘑菇 + 芦笋

Am I Spoiled?

早上，儿子忽然问我，"Mom, do you think I'm spoiled?"

这话问的没前言没后语的，让我一时不知道该怎么接。

"Why do you ask this question?"

"My friend Michael says he is spoiled."

"Why he said so? How is he spoiled?"

"He said his Dad and Mom bought everything he asked. He has a lot of video games."

Hmm，这是羡慕别的小朋友有的游戏多吗？

"Do you think he is spoiled?"

"Maybe."

"Well, if he realized he is spoiled, I think he is not yet completely spoiled. A fully spoiled person takes everything for granted, and does not appreciate what he gets at all."



说实话，我是真的没想好该怎么回答儿子的问题。爸爸把话接了过去。

"Do you think you are spoiled?"

"Maybe." Again, this is Aidan's typical answer. 

"Compared to your peers, you are probably not spoiled because you didn't ask for too much. But compared to your parents, I think you are pretty spoiled because your life is unbelievably luxury compared to Mom and Dad's childhood. Much more comfortable and convenient, and you can access so much sources. Of course, compared to your grandparents, Mom and Dad were also spoiled. We never starved or had death threat as your grandparents had."

爸爸又开始忆苦思甜了，我还是把话接回来好了。

"So whether or not being spoiled is not just determined by how much we receive, but also depends on what we can afford."

"What we need and what we want, right?"

"Kind of. Sometimes we can 'spoil' ourselves a little, give ourselves a treat, if there is a reason, and if we can afford ..."

"How about you take care of us?"

"Mom and Dad love to take care of you."

"But not too much, right?"

"Right, not too much to make you lazy and lose the opportunity to grow up."

儿子不再问了，可是我还是在纠结 how much is too much 的问题。究竟什么是 Spoiled，我觉得还是没有点到要害。

吃过早饭一家人开车去滑雪，一个多小时的车程，我们总是在车里聊天，玩数字和拼写游戏。下周儿子学校的 Spelling Bee Team 开始集训，我随口问他老师提前发的准备材料看过了吗？

"Mom, why didn't you remind me earlier! You didn't help me!"

"Here you are --- this is so-called 'SPOILED'!"

机会来了，这正是我要找的关于 “spoiled” 的答案。

无关乎父母付出多少，孩子得到多少，如果孩子开始感到理所应当，特别是开始推卸责任，那一定是宠过了，那一定是父母失职了。就像一个妈妈说她每天给孩子做好饭，盛在碗里，端到桌上，才叫孩子来吃饭，没觉得有什么不妥，直到有一天孩子坐到桌边时发现桌上还没有盛好的饭，大声质问妈妈饭在哪里，妈妈才开始意识到自己的失误。幸好孩子才七岁，纠正还来得及，从此妈妈开始把布置饭桌和盛饭的任务渐渐交给了孩子。我和儿子女儿分享了这个故事，他们也连连点头。父母的责任是帮助而不是代替孩子成长。如果父母的爱阻碍了孩子成长为独立的人的进程，这样的爱就是宠爱，spoiled；反之，多少的爱都不足为过。